How To Get Into A Car Accident

Jonathan Dauterman, Online Editor

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*Please note that this is a satirical piece!*

As all teens know, car crashes are an utterly normal part of the universal human experience, and one that can provide nothing but benefits for all involved.

What many teen drivers do not realize is that car crashes actually provide an excellent learning experience for what to do and what to avoid when driving your vehicle. Here are some tips for driving that can both lead to a car accident, and maximize the learning opportunities that come with such accidents.

Don’t bring a license. Life hack: the cops and the other passenger can’t get any information about who you are without identification, so your monthly insurance rates won’t increase.

Don’t tell the truth. Relating to the above, consequences can be avoided if you choose to mislead and confuse everyone involved. It’s how most politicians operate; it may as well be how you operate.

Don’t use turn signals. Rather, choose to live life dangerously. Stay woke.

Don’t check for damages to your car. It should be fine. Probably. Hopefully.

Don’t leave your vehicle. In the event it is damaged and you have ignored the previous tip, choose to stay with it in its final moments. It would have done the same for you. RIP Betsy, never forget.  

Don’t waste any time checking for injuries after a crash. You can’t waste time doing such menial things when you’re running from the cops (and, quite possibly, the driver of the other vehicle).

Don’t ask for medical attention if you are hurt. In the event you disregarded the aforementioned tip and wound up injured, it would be best to minimize the attention you draw to your wounds. Doing so paints you as a coward in the eyes of the emergency services.

Don’t check for injuries to any potential passengers. They knew the risk, so they can take care of themselves. Welcome to the real world, kid.

Don’t call 911. They only report to real emergencies; your lil fender bender won’t cut it. Besides, that will only get you in trouble, which we teenagers tend to dislike.

Don’t change your driving depending on the weather. You wouldn’t want to get too accustomed to one method, now would you? Take my word for it: it’s best to simply drive the exact same way on roads slick with ice and rain, as you would on a completely dry road. This is the best way to hone your driving skills.

Don’t buckle up. All that buckles do is restrict your movements while turning the steering wheel. We wouldn’t want the buckles to cause wrinkles, now would we? I know how important skin is to teenagers. (Or is that memes? Well, it’s one of the two).

Don’t turn off your phone. In fact, I would recommend having as many distractions as possible: windows rolled down and music blasting on your radio while you text. An important part of life is learning to multitask and make the most out of your limited time. We might as well teach this to kids while they are still young, impressionable students.

Don’t turn on your headlights. Doing so only shines those annoying, illuminating lights, and it wastes electricity.

Don’t obey the speed limit. The human experience is all about defying expectations and giving your 110% effort, and I see absolutely no reason why this shouldn’t apply to driving as well.

Don’t drive solo. This ties into what I said about multitasking; try to test your focus abilities by driving while maintaining a conversation with someone. Plus, c’mon: driving can get lonely. Might as well be talking about This Is Us while you’re speeding down the freeway.

Don’t pay attention to traffic signs. Really, they’re more like suggestions than actual rules you need to follow. It would be best to disregard them entirely during your first year or two of driving. This applies to yellow lights as well. What do those even mean? Do I stop, or do I go? Frankly, with yellow lights, you can pretty much just do whatever you want.

Don’t use those pesky mirrors. “Objects in view are closer than they appear.” It’s just confusing, and quite frankly, I don’t trust it one bit.

Don’t use those windshield wipers. If your windshield is dirty, the rain will just wash it away. Honestly, it’s a blessing to drive in a storm (free car wash!), and windshield wipers hinder the entire experience. 0/10, not worth it.

Teen Driving Statistics:

33% of deaths among 13 to 19-year-olds in 2010 occurred in motor vehicle crashes.

Talking on a cell phone can double the likelihood of an accident as well as slow a young driver’s reaction time down to that of a 70-year-old.

1 in 5 of 16-year-old drivers has an accident within their first year of driving.

6 teens aged 16–19 die every day from motor vehicle injuries

In 2013, young people ages 15-19 represented only 7% of the U.S. population. However, they accounted for 11% ($10 billion) of the total costs of motor vehicle injuries.

Compared with other age groups, teens have among the lowest rates of seat belt use. In 2015, only 61% of high school students reported they always wear seat belts when riding with someone else.

A 16-year-old is 20 times more likely to be killed in a crash than an adult


And last of all…Kids, remember the Golden Rule of driving: If there’s no cops around, anything’s legal!

This is what happens when you use turn signals!

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