Leprechauns and World Domination

Leprechauns and World Domination

Claire Elliott

Living in cities, rather than the suffocating intimacy of villages, proves valuable. Instead of conforming to the dominant culture, individuals can thrive as individuals with other individuals. Or, such uncommon beings can slink between people in the crowded streets, evading all notice and all suspicion.

It is important to note that slinking is astonishingly easier for those who dwell below five feet. Leprechauns are around three.

Moreover, magical qualities habitat those stout, somewhat round bodies. Their relative invisibility, then, is no surprise.

Yet so many complacent fools assume that Leprechauns are mere fiction, a censored celebration of the more jubilant holiday that adults partake in. That is, St. Patrick’s day.

Originally, St. Patrick’s day commemorated the death of St. Patrick, Ireland’s patron saint. Soon enough, though, it became a national revelry of Irish culture.

In America, St. Patrick’s day entails a sizable consumption of alcohol. The various liquors and brews, though, intoxicate the perception of reality in more ways than one.

While those of legal-drinking age and a collection of ambitious undergrads roam under a cloud of inebriation, the small yet fierce fey emerge, green and bright.

Leprechauns dwell in society, of course, but it is St. Patrick’s day that they can take full advantage of the environment. However, they were not able to complete this intricate guise alone.

It began before the turn of the first millennium. Irish monks, the unhailed Catholic adventurers, were exploring much of Europe. Upon finding a remote island off of the coast of Ireland, the monks founded the Skellig Michael Monastery. On this crag of wilderness they met nature incarnate: Leprechauns.

Henceforth, the monks and Leprechauns formed a sort of alliance; the fey race craved integration into human society – a difficult task considering their distinct form. The monks, having a rather lonely profession, just wanted some company – and no company is as riotous and invigorating as that of the wily Leprechaun.

So, the monks introduced alcohol to Ireland, producing two ingenious entryways fortheir fairy friends. First, whenever a person would shout, “Look at that wee bearded man in the tree-trunk,” his companions would only accuse him of drunkenness.  Second, since all of the humans were erratically sauntering home from the pubs after dark, they often broke their own shoes. According to the Boots Society (BS), a global social club that investigates shoe happenings, 34% of shoe-breaks occur whilst intoxicated. Thus, the Leprechauns, skilled cobblers that they are, began covertly dominating the shoe-market of Ireland.

The fey’s ambition did not stop there. Around 1737, an especially spirited Leprechaun named Gearoid started his own plot in America. He began the first-ever kiosk in Boston, selling shoes to passerbys. Now, other fellows had tried the kiosk-business before him, but no one could protect their profits from the thieves who operated the Boston streets. Since Geariod hid his money under a cloak of electromagnetic beams, he was quite safe.

At this kiosk, the wee Leprechaun sold shoes. Because most of the Bostonians did not own mustangs, mechanical or biological, Gearoid’s ware was in high demand. Crafty as he was, Gearoid began campaigning for a parade – a “celebratory walk,” he called it. Unbeknownst to him, people require “reasons” to celebrate. (This is an absurd notion to Leprechauns, who are always up to for a jolly time.)

Recollecting his monk companions, Gearoid declared that St. Patrick’s day was reason enough.

Since that pivotal day, the Leprechaun population in the US only grew.

“Once, three years ago, I had an encounter with Leprechaun kind. I was at Kroger, loading up the car with groceries, when I spotted a small man wrapped tightly in a hoodie standing next to his green Mini Cooper,” Josh Greener (12) said.

Greener verifies that the individual was red-bearded with gold on hand. Such a sight drove Greener to begin luchorpanology (the study of Leprechauns). Awakened to the world around him, he now hears hammering and even songs in the woods.

“The slight hammering is accompanied by a working song. I have managed to record the chorus of the merry tune, and it goes something like this:

‘Green and wise and charmed and wee

Working Leprechauns are we

Tap the nail, glue the sole

Woo the lass and charm her soul’

But my transcriptions are far from completed, their use of homophones makes interpretation difficult,” Greener said.

There are other Leprechaun-believers, but few are as educated as Greener. Most possess infantile perceptions of the fey kind.

“If Leprechauns aren’t real, then who trashed the classroom every St. Patrick’s day during recess?” Colton Straub (12) said.

Teachers. By entangling their image with childish folly, the Leprechauns have slyly evaded human observation. Greener is laboring to overturn these erroneous perceptions.

“Too often we look at the world with our limited perceptions, and reject anything which does not conform to our preexisting notions of reality. If the existence of Leprechauns and fairy magic prove anything, it is the inability of modern society to accept the unknown. Even with the overwhelming evidence of their existence, many individuals are still Leprechaun deniers. To them I say this, when you walk through wooded vales and blooming gardens, listen for the sounds of giggling and fey sniggering. When you hear nature itself laughing at your ignorance, know that they are not laughing with you, but rather laughing at you,” Greener said.

Originally published in the Spartana Issue 6 (March 2021)